Question 1

I know nothing about grief.  It is totally new and overwhelming to me.  How does it work?

Accepted Answer

Grief is a normal human experience and often one of the most difficult and painful circumstances we go through. It can be overwhelming, disorienting and is a roller coaster of deep and strong emotions like sadness, anger and disbelief.

Grief is unique to each person, no one grieves the same.

Unfortunately, we don’t get much coaching or guidance in our culture about how grief works.   Many people feel very alone as they try to figure out how to manage.

Question 2

I heard that grief follows certain steps toward acceptance.  What are the “steps” of grief?

Accepted Answer

It is a misconception that there are “steps” through grief.  There is no “how-to” book for us to follow.  Grief is what we call non-linear, which means we can feel one way and 2 minutes later, feel totally different.  Grief circles around and around, runs into road blocks, feels like it is going backwards or sideways.  Knowing that can be helpful as one tries to negotiate this unfamiliar experience.

With time and work, the intensity of our grief lessens.  Our memories become more “sweet” and more focused on what we had rather on what we lost.

Question 3

I am exhausted and my brain is foggy.

Accepted Answer

This is so often described by people, especially in the beginning of their grief journey.  Grief is hard work.  It taps into our energy stores which often are already low because of lack of sleep, prior experience being a caregiver, the trauma of the loss, the overwhelming to-do list.
Grief fog is also very real. Our mental energy is deeply affected by loss, making us feel like we can’t think clearly.

It is important to take as good care of yourself as you can and to be sure to seek medical care for symptoms that are extra concerning.

Question 4

What do I do with all these strong feelings?

Accepted Answer

To answer this question, I’d like to introduce you to my friend Anne and tell you the story of how she learned to swim in the ocean.  It has relevance to how we learn to grieve.

When Anne was 9, her family moved to San Diego.  She went with her mom to the beach so she could learn to swim in the waves.  When Anne saw the huge ocean and waves, the first thing she wanted to do was run away.

How often have you wished you could run away from your grief?

But Anne’s mom told her she can’t learn to swim in the ocean by running away.   So, Anne went to the water, put her feet in and stood there, afraid, resisting, trying but not getting very far.

How often have you done that as well with your grief?  Resisting it, unclear about what to do, hoping if you stand there long enough it will resolve.

But Anne’s mom, again, told her that resisting isn’t swimming.  She gently told her daughter that to learn to swim, she needed to face the wave, take a deep breath, dive into the middle of it and believe she will come up on the other side.

That is how it is with grief. We need to dive into the feelings, let them wash over us and know we are resilient and will come up on the other side.

But Anne’s mom had one more important thing about swimming in the ocean and that was you never do it alone.

And so, it is with grief. To manage the strong feelings of loss, to negotiate the changes in your life, we all need companions and guides to bear witness to our suffering and to be there for us on the other side of the waves.

Question 5

What is a grief “trigger?”

Accepted Answer

A grief trigger is a memory that “triggers” or sets off a wave of grief.  Sometimes they are expected but often they catch us by surprise. Common triggers are special days (like birthdays), a song, a photo, driving by a location of special memories or anything of personal connection.

When a trigger is unexpected, it is helpful, if you can, to feel the emotions, ride the wave and allow it to pass.

When you can anticipate a trigger, it is important to plan for it so you feel as prepared as you can.

Question 6

I have a special day coming up.  How do I manage my anxiety and worry about these days of significance without my loved one?

Accepted Answer

In our groups, we call these days our Marker Days.

It is most helpful to plan for days of significance that will connect with your loss.   If we take your loved one’s birthday as an example, you may want to honor it with family, perhaps make your loved one’s favorite meal or dessert.  Or you may feel it is best to do something totally different than the past.  Maybe you want to be alone or leave town for a few days.  This planning ahead and trying to do what is best for you is the first step in managing Marker Days.

Question 7

My family and friends don’t understand what I’m going through.  I feel very alone.

Accepted Answer

Everyone grieves differently. This can create challenges, especially if people are missing the same person but in very different ways.  This can make us feel alone and misunderstood.  It is important to know this is normal and to seek ways to openly communicate your needs to your family and friends. Talking to people outside your family who are grieving can be helpful in learning ways to seek understanding.

Question 8

What happens in a Papillon grief support group?

Accepted Answer

All our groups are led by mental health professionals.   They are drop-in groups, so you can come and go as you need the support.  They are not therapy groups as grief is a normal human experience and one way to manage it is to learn from others and feel a sense of connection to others who have lost someone.

Our groups start with a reading of a Statement of Purpose, followed by check in/introductions.  We then have a guided conversation for the rest of our 90-minute group time.  Participants are not obligated to talk.  Sometimes listening is what people need.

Question 9

I don’t know how to talk about my loss and grief.

Accepted Answer

Giving our grief a voice is part of the healing process.  We tell our grieving children that every loss needs 100 tellings.  The story needs to be told, and our loved one’s name needs to be spoken.

There are lots of ways to tell our story.  We can journal, we can talk to a Grief Companion or attend a Support group.  We can visit one of Papillon’s Wind Phones and give words to our grief.  Our spiritual leader may be able to hear our story, or perhaps a trusted friend who is a good listener and won’t try to “fix” us.

Question 10

What is anticipatory grief?

Accepted Answer

Anticipatory grief is the distress experienced when we are anticipating the death of a loved one or a significant loss.  It is similar to the feelings we have after the death of someone ... emotions like sadness, anxiety, anger, physical symptoms, withdrawal - but this occurs before the loss happens.  Although normal, anticipatory grief can be overwhelming and lonely.   A community of caregivers, a therapist or a good support person can be very helpful in managing the distress that you feel.